Monday, February 09, 2009

Guest Blogger: 90210pinions Returns [exclamation point]

Hello and welcome to a brand new day here at the Calhoun Tribune! For the first time, we have a GUEST BLOGGER! Craig Irving still watches New 90210 and has kindly volunteered (after I pressured him) to update us on the most annoying teen drama that ever was. Spoiler alert: Dr. Pepper still getting major play.

I'm not usually a hater, but you can't just call a show "90210" and get away with it. If your program is "based upon an original idea by Darren Star," you're going to be subjected to a little scrutiny. You can't say these kids are from West Beverly and...okay fine, I'm getting a little carried away. At first I didn't think I could write this article, because even after 15 episodes I still can't remember these damn kids' names. My Chief Editor is probably going to have to fill in some blanks and compensate for my mistakes. [Ed. note: Names, schmames. You can call them Annoying, Spazzy, and More Annoying.]

I still wonder how a show from 2008 can possibly be less edgy and have less drama than its predecessor from 18 years ago. I'll refrain from treading down the path of comparisons however, since all things should be judged on their own merit. So let me start judging...

90210pinions (episode 14 & 15 mash-up)
These kids are completely out of control and it's clear they're either going to hurt themselves, or hurt someone else. Adriana now drives around recklessly by drinking too much coffee. She's pregnant, you know, and this caffeine habit has to stop now. I'm going to bullet point a few things, to bring us all up to speed.
  • Ty is the father of Adrianna's child... they hooked up in rehab.
  • Teacher Ryan is back from South Dakota and is brooding. He's been pushed too far, and been under-appreciated for too long.
  • CW doesn't want to pay Joe E. Tata anymore to say the odd line at the Peach Pit. (Look, I realize it's a novelty, and only one that a select few will appreciate — but I want it. You're calling this 90210, so you owe it to us. We deserve Joe E. Tata.)
  • I still have blind delusions that when the episode airs that Jason Priestley directed, that it's going to change *everything* as we know it.
Navid and Dixon are mourning over their lost loves. A frustrated Navid, in an effort to understand women better, turns to a book on the art of pick up called The Creed. Which they're obviously ripping on Neil Strauss' book The Game: it's black and bible-like with gold pages. After Navid makes an embarrassing attempt at charming a girl by insulting her, Dixon's lesbian friend gives Navid some incredible advice: JUST BE YOURSELF. It's quite ground-breaking.

Of course, this works like a charm. Moments later, Navid is at a party. Y'know one of those outdoor house parties where semi-famous indie bands play, but everyone is indifferent and no one watches them. He decides to approach a girl with his buddies.

Navid tells this girl how un-cool he is, how he plays World of Warcraft, and that the girl should definitely lower her expectations if she's going to continue talking to him... and wouldn't you know it, this girl is allllllllll over him. She's even a 7th level Mage. Serendipity!

Dixon broke up with Silver because she has intimacy problems, and she wouldn't reciprocate his "I love you" while they were building sand castles. [Ed. note: YES! I hate those two together.] She can't tolerate being vulnerable, and he knows she can't meet his emotional needs. Frankly, here's my biggest problem: Dixon has too much self-respect to be 16 years old. I didn't even have that level of self-respect at 25.
After Silver's public freak-out when she shows up randomly at a party, she and Dixon finally confront their issue on the street. In moments, they have a complete emotional break-through, express their undying love, and get back together. [Ed. note: Crap! I hate those two together.]

...If that wasn't enough of an emotional ringer to put us all through, did I mention that Annie lost the lead part of Cleopatra to Adrianna for the school play?

Okay, seriously. One more thing has to be said: Ty's Moustache. It's really terrible. I know kids can't grow moustaches easily (and most shouldn't try), but we know damn well Ty's not 16 years old. There's no excuse for this.
Now, I know the original 90210 pilot had valet, and other ridiculous riches that you wouldn't find at a school (even in Beverly Hills), but am I the only one that finds this completely ridiculous? Not only have I never been to a high school that offered live televised broadcasting by the students, with seemingly no regulations...

...but isn't it just a *little* unnecessary to have an entire hallway full of LCD TVs no more than 6 feet apart from each other?

what will happen tomorrow night in the Bev Hills? "Of Heartbreaks and Hotels" is the Valentine's Day episode; Aimee Teegarden (a.k.a. FNL's Julie Taylor) is back as Rhonda and Naomi is living at a hotel? I miss her.

3 comments:

erinc said...

When the Calhoun Tribune utterly rejected 90210 I felt like I had to reject 90210 too. Calhoun Tribune = peer pressure! SO happy for the guest post. It's really cleared up a lot of my questions (What is that guy's name, the one who went to SF with Annie and is now the father of Adrianna's baby? Is there a diet version Dr Pepper? &c)

Adela P. said...

Okay, the LCD TV comment just about had me falling off my chair. Could this show get any more ridiculous? I'm glad I don't watch anymore. But I'm keeping my date with the TV for the season finale, for sure. It's bound to be equal parts embarrassing and crack-ish.

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