Tuesday, November 04, 2008

my 90210pinions: Election Night!

welcome to the Calhoun Tribune's Election Coverage:
Pseudo-Live Blogging 90210 but Not Forgetting about that Election!
(or Calhoun is Annoyed by 90210 and CNN in the same hour)

My Tuesday nights are complicated: 90210, Privileged, Pushing Daisies. So I'm watching the 7 p.m. (EST) feed of 90210. Just so's ya understand that my CNN flippery occurs before the polls have actually closed. And I have a high intolerance for election coverage. Seems to me that after waiting for this historically long election campaign to end, we can wait a few more hours and stop all the conjecture. Sigh.

On to 90210! The episode: Secrets and Lies
Principal Wilson explains to his children that he has a secret love child. He knocked up Naomi's mom in high school but Naomi's mom "didn't not have" the baby. HOLY SMOKES just say abortion! Network TV, you frustrate me!

I assume Annie's reaction is meant to be one of surprise but it looks alarmingly like a yawn. Dad is the biggest dummy ever: "i hope this doesn't affect us in any way." Why would it? A new half-brother born to the mother of your new bestie who is also the ex of your new bf.

Onward! Reusing a song from Gossip Girl season one! from the scene where Serena walks down the street and throws her phone in the garbage can after the Bass brunch.

As if Annie thinks Jimmy Choo is Chinese food. Sigh. Annie can't lie at all; I think maybe Shenae read Naomi's line, "Are you having a stroke?" and decided to really act that honestly so AnnaLynne McCord would have something to react to. Fail, Shenae. That's a fail.

Ethan's impression of Naomi is kinda funny but not nearly NEARLY even slightly close. That was your moment, actor who plays Ethan. Tsk, man. And the choice of dialogue? You can watch me blow off David Spade for the 80th time? yikes yikes yikes.

A recession joke! After the proverbial penny for his thoughts, Silver and Dixon talk about his adoption. It's backstory time! Break it down!

[Commercial Break CNN: There's a screen projection of a lady (Jessica Yellin) into the studio! She's a hologram like Princess Leia. It looks like shit and they think it looks awesome. Oh Wolfy. McCain 8, Obama 3. Honestly, I do not know what those numbers mean.]

Naomi's hair is out of control. Navid is stalking Adrianna. Bore bore boring. Annie is misbehaving by buying boots and sneaking off to slumber parties. Oh no wait! Tequila shots and a six of beer!

[Commercial Break CNN: Folks are running into Grant Park for an Obama speech later. Woot! Woot! Eep — Florida: 54% McCain, 46% Obama with 1% reporting. Oh. False alarm for FL. Right this is why I think election coverage is useless.]

Nothing like watching bad actresses act drunk. Silver looks at the ceiling when the doorbell rings. Crazy how the slumber party turned into a REAL party where everyone arrives at precisely the same moment. This is unbearable. Annie doesn't know how to drink a beer.

Naomi and the New Hot Guy break it down on the porch over grilled cheese and she learns her old tricks won't work. So she freaks out and starts yelling for Annie.

[Commercial Break CNN: Blah-de-blah, everyone's talking at the same time. Less than 1% in North Carolina and Obama has 51%. Oh 2% reporting in Florida, technical glitch, 57% lead for Obama.]

Annie is sleepy. Adrianna and Navid are totally going to do it. No wait they are not! Embarrassment! Naomi and Annie break it down on the floor. They hate liars. But wait...Annie is a total liar. And hold on...wait for it... there's the requisite barfing.

What! Is the undercover cop the dumbest in the whole universe? You ask your teacher boyfriend to pick you up a block away from the party? FAIL FAIL FAIL.

[Commercial Break CNN: So same as half an hour ago, McCain "8," Obama "3." Microphone fail with the lady in Grant Park. More praise for the hologram from Anderson Coop. When will we get some real numbers, asks Anderson. McC is leading in Kentucky. Well, Bucky Kentucky.]

Eek! Principal Wilson at the party! Embarrassment! The principal and Annie break it down on the floor. Annie has vomit boots. That is kinda the only cute thing she has ever said. Vomit boots.

George confronts Mr. English Teacher. Ryan takes a paid leave of absence! Embarrassment! Navid and Adrianna break it down at the lunch table. I will not stop saying "break it down," never ever. Adrianna is pretty and Jessica Lowndes (sp?) a reasonably OK actress.

Naomi tells Ozzy she likes him as he starts down the hallway. Then Ozzy changes course, heads the opposite way after giving Naomi his digits. And Naomi does the uber obvious and calls RIGHT away. But ruh-roh! She spots the make-out happening in the classroom. Who would have thunk that would happen right after they resolved to go public with the relationship? And we're done!

CNN is projecting McCain to take South Carolina even though Obama is currently in the lead and there is only 1% reporting. They put a big checkmark by McCain. THIS is why I hate election coverage. AH. Just start the coverage later and stop making stuff up!

Well, folks, 90210 was boring, like not even funny boring. And now a Pushing Daisies repeat, the first episode ever, and it's kinda really delightful in the best possible way. I wonder wonder who has won in America-land...

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