Tuesday, September 30, 2008

my 90210pinions: Model Behavior

much like last week's episode, "Model Behavior" is 100% dullsville. New 90210 has lost its truly awfulness and now it's just mediocre crap with bad dialogue, fashion fails (e.g., Silver wearing an all silver outfit. they should have given her a silver tooth to complete the look), and plodding plotlines.

in her first scene of the ep, Shenae Grimes/Annie Wilson managed to make 49 distinct facial expressions ranging from mildly appallingly annoying to major meltdown she-is-so-annoying. Glad that part of New Nine Oh hasn't changed. Sigh.

And Dylan really and truly is Sammy's dad. Brenda and Kelly nearly fight over a guy (or two guys, really) but it doesn't really take off and it looks like we'll be at least two episodes without the original kids as Kelly goes to hang out w/ Dylan in Wyoming or wherever and Brenda goes to hang out and "recalibrate" with Brandon and his family.

The whole fashion show/photography thing was so lamely executed, especially since it aired in the same week as Gossip Girl's Fashion Week episode. Know thy competition, new90210. And how rich was that moment in the cafeteria when Silver talked about the unrealistic expectations young girls get looking at fashion models and how anti-modeling she is. Meanwhile the actress is skinnier than the models they cast for the show. Uncomfortable.

What it has going for it: the writers finally realized that Naomi plotting to get her parents back together when she was the one who split them apart was DUMB and boring to watch. As Ethan said, "This isn't Parent Trap." No. Parent Trap is genius compared to this. (And you know he was referring to the Lindsay Lohan version, not the original.) I kinda like the Ethan kid. Imagine if they had cast a reasonable actor as Annie. The tension between those two could have been kinda watchable.

Is it too late in the season for a recast? We could start a letter-writing campaign.

ZOMGG: the Serena Also Rises

Poor B. She is a crazy crazy crazy girl. A total child and no one wants to play with her anymore. Serena and Jenny are all grown up and her mom has no time for her and B's just standing on the sidelines smashing things to get their attention. Tragic anti-hero?

And Chuck Bass too. Not too much of a surprise with his backstory since we knew Bart Bass was a widower, but the poor booze-riddled boy.

OK, Dan Humphrey writing story after story about his life and then introducing the character of Charlie Tuna? HILARIOUS.

[Wait a second, check last week's post on Gossip Girl below. I call my brother Charlie Tuna! Cause he said he thought that would be a great nickname. What are the odds? I have to call my bro and see if he's been secretly traveling into the future and watching episodes of Gossip Girl.]

Jenny looked SO amazing at the fashion show. I think Rufus is having a bit of a parenting fail. If your daughter is so adamant about working at the atelier and clearly hates school, but is also trying to do all her homework and knew it would just be a temporary situation until after Fashion Week? Cut her some slack, hipster dad. Don't just call her a liar and a truant.

Only in the world of Chuck Bass would thinking a girl was a prostitute be an "honest mistake." I'm glad the burgeoning friendship between Dan and Chuck got destroyed as quickly as it was built. Those biting dismissals of Dan that just roll off Chuck's tongue are too good to miss. And I love how Dan is talkative and annoying even when he's gone down the rabbit hole with C. Oh Dan Humphrey. I look forward to reading your piece in Readers Digest.

It came across way harsh, Serena's "get over it" to Blair, but I gotta say, I'm with S on this. I don't think it's going to make Blair wake up or grow up. I think she's going to continue to be a spoiled, manipulative spaz and she's going to make Jenny Humphrey her new second-in-command. When B was screaming at Derota over the seating chart? The show turned from campy fun into a thriller about a disturbed girl.

Bart Bass = crappiest husband ever. A dossier on your wife? To "protect" the family. Nice move. I wonder if he uses the same private detectives as Chuck. But what is Lily's secret? Maybe she had a love child with Rufus. Or maybe she "killed" a guy but really he just O.D.'d. Secret FAIL. Something to do with Mr. van der Woodsen whom we've never met? (I would lurve to find out about him this season.) I love that Lily has a secret and that Bart Bass, scariest man on the show, knows it. Cause you know L and Rufus are getting back together and Bart can lord that secret over her and make her stay with him. Oooh it will be awful.

Also, FYI, the whole thing about the Mapplethorpe photo of something that could be a belly button or could be .... comes from the books. But it's Serena who poses for the photo and it's turned into an ad that is plastered ALL over NYC. And B is totally jalouse.

The preview for the next episode looks AWESOMEly over the top -- kidnappings and run-ins and fights and revenge and college admission interviews! Maybe this is how we'll get around the last year of high school, what do you do next season issue. Everyone goes to Yale. Fine by me! More GG on October 13th. I can not wait that long. Rawr.

**K correctly corrects me. Chuck Bass = Charlie Trout, not Charlie Tuna. My brother does NOT own a time machine and does NOT watch Gossip Girl. (The second bit was the more implausible of the two.)**

Sunday, September 28, 2008

I have a date with Hank Moody tonight

first and foremost: big happy birthday to Claire of the Clazz-a-Tron. I hope you have/are having a wunderbar b-day filled with pals and champagne and less work than you imagined. Love you to the maximus.

Britney's new single was released just in time for Claire's birthday. It is called "Womanizer." On my first listen (at work, snuck into the board room) I was not over-the-moon, ecstatic, zomg. BUT let me tell you that (1) Britter's second singles are always better than her first (see: Toxic, Piece of Me, Stronger) and (2) this song gets really awesome really quickly. Just listen to it twice more and you will lurve it. I like the stuttering chorus best because it is effing fun to sing along to. It def harks back to the "ooh ooh baby" song from Blackout, but has less of that weird hockey anthem vibe and more awesomesauce. I have a feeling Circus is going to better than Blackout and that album is EXCELLENT.

in news of other returns of great things, Hank Moody and the Californication ace gang are back tonight on Showtime. I may get to watch the first four episodes tonight because some people have mad access to screening copies (not me). Sharelle, do not die of jealousy. What the heck is going to happen to Hank now that he's got what he wants? Oh the temptation of life in Hell-A. You can follow Mia on Twitter if you are the kind of person who follows fictional characters on social networking sites (I am). And you can follow me on Twitter if you are the kind of person who understands the point of Twitter at all (I do not but still I twitt).

Today is Word on the Street and there are millions, literally MILLIONS, of ECWers reading. I'm a-heading down later this afternoon for some bookish excellence. There are loads of ECW book launches in the next few months, especially in the next few weeks: the Show that Smells launch, the Dora Borealis launch, and the Richard Crouse TINARS event. We are going to have a laugh and a half so you should come on out.

Since I watch everything else on the CW — good (Gossip Girl) or bad (90210) or mediocre with flashes of crazy (America's Next Top Model) — I gave Privileged a whirl and watched the first three episodes. It's about a perky Yale graduate who wants to be a writer of important biographies but is working at a tabloid, giving herself crappy dye jobs, and having apartment fires. That is the first 5 minutes. But then! she lands a $1500-a-week job as a live-in tutor to two orphaned, spoiled teenage girls. The tutor, Megan Smith, is played by an actress who really reminds me of Amy Whats-her-face from Enchanted. The two girls are kinda fun -- one is a sweet pushover, the other a domineering schemer. The show is really not that great but highly watchable. And it's WAY better than New 90210. Which is not saying much, I know.

Anyway, my two main nitpicks are (1) way too many headscarves! what is going on? are they on Team Serena? and (2) the girls go to an
exclusive yacht party ("Kanye might show") and they need to step up the fashion. So the Pushover Girl, Rose, wears a dress that Miley Cyrus wore to the Country Music Awards two years ago.

FAIL. We remember these things, Costume Designer. Especially when one has worked on a book on Ms. Miley. I might know what Miley wore to every awards show ever so don't try trotting that stuff out again.

Tonight is also Gossip Girl night on A-Channel. Serena and Blair have a total friendship meltdown as S decides to stop living in the shadows and be the socialite/model she was born to be. The preview makes it look like S is modeling in Eleanor Waldorf's Fashion Week show. Did they learn nothing from last season's "S models in an Eleanor Waldorf campaign" episode? GEEZ.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

my 90210pinions: wide awake and FAIL

here's what happened on Nine-Oh. it was so crap i can't bear to type full paragraphs. i have lost my verve. New Nine Oh has stolen it from me.

Snickerdoodling backstage.
Mom says, Sex will ruin you!
Girl we barely know freaks out and Brenda tries to take her seriously and gives her grave counsel.
Dr. Pepper and sex talk with Naomi in the cafeteria.
Party after the play at the Roosevelt! Ty booked a room. For what purpose, we wonder. For SEX.

[you know what is a really great show? the O.C. i'm blazing through season 1 and it's effing glorious. if i could turn seth cohen and ryan atwood into one man, i would have a soul mate.]

Finally the Parents remember that the dad has an illegitimate son.
Showbiz mom ruins everything by putting on the pressure.
Annie and Pops have trust issues.
Audriana is too HIGH on DRUGS to perform so Annie has to. What??? I did not see that coming.

I hate this show. It is bringing down my team. (My team of me and Seth and Ryan.)

Show time. Blah blah momma who told me or whatevs.
Naomi and her mum hug. Does this mean she won't be freaking out anymore? The best part of the show: destroyed.
Two Brendas in one frame!
Annie asks Dixon for his condom.
NOTE: Condoms have expiry dates. If you are borrowing a condom from your brother, one that has been in his wallet for four years, you may want to double check that. ALSO the Roosevelt, if memory serves, is very close to 900 convenience-type stores and happens to be a nice hotel, you know with amenities. You may not need to borrow your brother's crumpled wallet condom.

As if Ethan was going to the play with Naomi and brought flowers for Annie.
Ethan is all, Ty is a player. Save yourself for me.
Party at the Roosevelt!
Audriana sabotages Ty and Annie!
Dixon's all, where's my wallet condom??

SANTOGOLD! I think the same person does the music for 90210 and for Gossip Girl. It's Santogold month.

[I would like to formally apologize to my roommate Forbes for subjecting him to this shiz for four weeks in a row. Four? Three? 90210 is terrible. It's worse than Ghost Whisperer and Rock of Love combined.]

Annie is totally a crazy person.
Dixon is a tool.

The end.

this show SUCKS.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Gossip Girl: The Rise of the House of Van Der Woodsen

"The Ex-Files." episode 4 of season 2 of Gossip Girl, the best show ever. where do i even begin? how about with the things outside of the show.

did you guys see the Clean and Clear commercials? maybe it was just on A-Channel last night. anyway, they totally cast a Serena and Blair knock off and have them talk about buffing their faces off. i worry about this new product. it's a battery-operated buffer. for your face. watch out, teenagers.

the bad thing about watching GG on A-Channel: they cut to commercial seconds early so you ALWAYS miss the last words of Gossip Girl's awesome zingers. AH. I am going to write them a considered letter.

"You Know You Love Me" and this is why
  1. The shot in the opening of Gossip Girl's top post: a pic of Dan and Serena under the headline "D and S: Two Point . . . No?"
  2. Serena calling Chuck a eunuch.
  3. Eric's hair is FINALLY normal. The blond streaks are no more. Poor kid had to wait 22 episodes to have a smidge of the style of the rest of the GGers. Looks like hanging out with Chuck has had its benefits. Besides mimosas on the way to école.
  4. Breakfast banter at the Humphreys!
  5. Extra points to Little J for "Blair and her Merry Band of Psychos"
  6. Dan is funny again. I love Dan when he's funny. Not so much when he's giving S shit for something she hasn't done. But "birds flying into you" and "automatic doors not opening"? More deflection through sarcasm!
  7. Serena talks to herself! I talk to myself!
  8. Queen B declaring new girl "Dan with boobs" Amanda a "person of interest." B declaring "lunch the meal before dating."
  9. Rufly! Lily + Rufus forever. Dump Clare. Dump Bart. You two and Harry Dean Stanton belong together.
  10. The easy ditch of Catherine and Marcus in one illicit affair. I know this seems seriously over the top and nonsensical. Why are they hot for each other when Marcus is supposedly frigid like his dad and Catherine is so into Nate? But let's just accept this. Mostly cuz the two of them were getting draggy in the previous episode. And for readers of the fine Gossip Girl novels, this was no surprise. Lord Marcus hooks up with his cousin who is really his wife and breaks B's heart. You see, B had already bought herself a wedding dress on spec that there would be a proposal. Sigh.
  11. Serena not backing down when Dan refuses to accept her apology. Heck no, you wouldn't need B and her posse to win! Sound the trumpets, strumpets.
  12. B to Nate: Wait. Hold that non-thought.
  13. Before the big reveal at the end, the fact that it was TOTALLY PLAUSIBLE that Chuck would be out at the Upper East Side's Peach Pit with ingredients for a Nairtini on hand. He pulled that out and I was like, Yes. Of course. That is what Chuck carries in that beauteous suit pocket.
  14. Queen S to Penelope and Iz: "From now on, everything goes through me." Glorious. But where is Hazel? (The blonde girl who was BFFs with Pen from last season.)
  15. Chuck is the evil puppet master! Maybe I was just too excited to be watching Gossip Girl and I missed all the MAJOR clues that Amanda was C's plant. It's really, really obvious when I think about it but I did not suspect a thing. Which made the reveal so incredibly awesomesauce. Hoodwinked by Chuck! I am happy to be hoodwinked by Chuck any day of the week.
  16. The scene of Dan returning to school the next day and being a total social pariah to Santogold's "Shove It." I love that song. I love that scene. Dan misbehaved in this ep and I think he's been a shitty bf to Serena but poor guy.
"Well, we were never really friends, remember?" minor fails, IMHO
  1. B's white "cape" (pictured at right). She wears it while she sorts the girls into projects and victims and whilst she parades around Constance, her first day as a senior. There were quite a few fugly shirts in this episode. My brother, Charlie Tuna, came in halfway through and asked if they were at an Elizabethan costume party. MAYBE.
  2. Vanessa's idiocy. It was a bit much that she spied on B for one second and concluded the Queen of Mean was doing nothing about her bf f'ing his stepmom/her ex-bf's current gf. As if Vanessa would run straight to the Duke's to tell him his son is bopping his wife. Trust in B. And her attempt at being cruel to be kind to Nate was also pathetico and went beyond the call of duty. Better clothes this week, tho.
  3. Scarves on the head / in the hair. See illustration. NO. Let's not start that. B's confused face when S saunters up all queenly is likely more about Isabel's head scarf than about how she's been bumped off her throne. For reals. Let's make the head scarf thing a symbolic one-off and not a trend for S.2. Hairbands win any day. Every day.
  4. So not really a fail but I don't like it when B and S are enemies and there's obvs a set-up for an impending battle between our two heroines. I like it when they are besties (and as Gossip Girl says, no one does besties better than B and S). Not to come off like America Ferrara or anything. This fight is going to be entertaining and it's gonna be even better when Queens Waldorf and Van Der Woodsen finally figure out Chuck is behind it all.
Be sure to read the New York mag blog on GG tomorrow. Jessica Pressler and Chris Rovzar are GENIUSES.

Oh man i am watching the episode again right now and forgot to mention how much I loved (1) how Catherine VAPORIZED after giving V $5000 (and how gorgeous her green dress is) and (2) how Dan did the majorly embarrassing wave again when he and S first meet up in the courtyard.

and, BTW, if you google revenge, you do NOT get BlairWaldorf.com

Also, is Chuck Gossip Girl? It doesn't really make sense at all but then it kinda makes all the sense in the world.

NEXT WEEK: Fashion week and S is ready to shine brighter than B. The Les Best fashion show perhaps?

Sunday, September 21, 2008

OMFGG: The Ex Files

if every week of Gossip Girl is better than the previous week's, it stands to reason that by January, I will be so crazy giddy from Upper East Side vicarious adventuring that I will actually go to work dressed as my favorite GGer of the moment. That I will respond to everything by tossing a bon mot, to borrow Dan's phrase. That I will move to New York City and eat lemon yogurt on the steps of the Met waiting for Blair to pronounce me a project or a victim.

It is that good. I'll wait til tomorrow's official CW airing of the ep to go to town with the blogging of the details of my utter delight. But I'll just say now, brilliant use of a brilliant Santogold song, in the third episode in a row to feature one.

you know i love it.

p.s. on the Gossip Girl soundtrack, not only do you get Lincoln Hawk's "Everytime" but you get the Constance choir singing "Glamorous." Effing genius. I have never been this in love.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

my 90210pinions: Penetrate "the Bubble"

this episode of 90210 is called "The Bubble." that is supposed to refer to the "bubble" that is inhabited by Naomi and Ethan. they have their "thing," impenetrable, says Silver. i however would like to posit that the Bubble in fact refers to the impenetrable dome that the show's writers, producers, crew and cast must have been living in to think that this was television worth airing, a show capable of saving the fledgling CW. cause it ain't.

i did however REALLY enjoy watching The Bubble. My favorite resident of BubbleLand, Naomi a.k.a. Elizabeth Berkley the New Generation a.k.a. AnnaLynne McCord, is STILL having issues with her daddy's big bad affair. She is also having issues controlling her facial expressions and that is affecting her ability to make sensible outfit choices. The results were awesome — sneaker lace on a bustier dress? YES. more than one pair of short shorts in an episode? OF COURSE.

In the wholesome land of Dixon, he tears off a car's side mirror and gets a job at the Peach Pit to work off his debt. How that mirror got torn off is a flipping mystery. A bigger mystery than the Who's the Baby Daddy mystery. Since that one was spoiled in a promo clip released WEEKS ago. Argh.

Anyway. Nat reminds us that Brandon was a good, good egg. Dr. Pepper reminds us that it too is bubbly and is endorsed by the New Nine Oh gang.

New Brenda's love life. Sigh. Oh Annie. You are terrible. She randomly bumps into Ty in the hallway. LITERALLY. Awkwardly. He has tickets to a secret vampire weekend show. puh-lease. So Annie says she can't cuz she has a non-date date with Ethan. Ethan of the Naomi Bubble. Ruh-roh.

So Naomi hijacks Ethan's date time. He is SO overwhelmed that he cannot text Annie until half an hour after he was supposed to meet her. It takes a long time to text someone. Ahem. But more importantly than any of their yawn-inspiring back-and-forth love affairs:

Does Ethan live at Casa Walsh? It really looked like the Walsh house!

OK. Sorry. we are supposed to feel for Ethan cause he has a brother with OCD, or Aspergers, or some sort of poorly identified disorder. Naomi is good with the brother. We see why the two of them were bf and gf and bffs. And later we get the video of the perfect day at the zoo. We get the Bubble. Thanks.

Naomi puts her master plan to deal with her dad's mistress into action: find out where she works, then tell her, "Back off, slut." Sure. That sounds like a wonderful plan. Naomi confronts Mistress Gail wearing black short-shorts and a cropped leather jacket. In case her verbal assault doesn't work, Naomi is ready for sexy martial arts. (She may not know ka-rate, but she sure knows ca-razy.)

Outfit change to tell mom! Naomi dons red short-shorts with white polka dots and a lacy top. With a bow necklace. She tells mom about Gail moving into the beach house. Mom's like, what-what-what?? But the real big question: Will Silver blahg about Naomi's dad's affair?

Pretty boring so far, right kids? Right! The part that could have been awesome — Brenda and Lucille Bluth directing Spring Awakening — is also boring save for a few killer moments.

Jessica Walter's reaction to the girls singing = awesome. Jessica Walter singing = awesome. Thazzit. Brenda opens G'ma's eyes with a videotape and is far too smug about the whole thing.

The other part that could have been exciting: finding out who is the father of Sammy! But no. Detective Sexy English Teacher and Bren talk. Brenda offers no clues! Detective Teacher pisses Kelly Taylor off by asking too many questions. Brenda and Kelly have a parking lot argument leading up to.... Why why why did the CW play the "you're still in love with Dylan" clip in the commercials weeks before the big reveal??

So there you have it. Kelly + Dylan = Sammy. But never forget:

What haven't I told you?
  • Silver doesn't care about trendy purses.
  • Dixon didn't study for the Flannery O'Connor test.
  • Ethan can simultaneously hold a video camera with one hand, make out with his gf at the zoo and zoom in on their liplock.
  • Silver learns not to hold a grudge whilst wearing the shortest short shorts EVER. In a waist-up shot, you could see the bottom of her shorts. Also: these girls are too skinny. They need network-mate Tyra Banks to come over and give them a talking to.
  • Annie's Guide to Winning Your Man Back: Strategy 1: Cookies. Strategy 2: Kiss attack!
  • Ty is, of course, a chin holder. Blech.
Overall episode rating: D.

the funny thing is if AnnaLynne McCord was a better actor, I would prolly stop watching this show sooner. but man alive! she makes me laugh. add that to Brenda kicking around Bev Hills and hope that Dylan McKay will one day grace our screens again.....i'll keep effing watching this show. Or, uh, until the show gets cancelled.

Mad Men Wins Me Over with Mad Woman

I have watched every episode of Mad Men and not liked it at all. It's very well made (and therefore easy to watch); I like the dresses, the hairdos, and Betty Draper. But not the show. I find the wink-winking at the audience over how backward things were in the '60s tiresome and not that clever (smoking while pregnant! littering!). And indulging all that misogyny because "that's the way things were" gets old fast. Real fast.

But this week! Betty effing brings it. It was the perfect follow-up to the unexpected ending of the previous episode (in the new car, with the barfing). Mad love for Betty Draper. I kept giving the TV the double F.U.s to help Bets out. Watch the fuck out, Don.

Now we need Priest Colin Hanks to leave Peggy the eff alone and Joan to do the job she rocks at and ditch the craptastic husband. Then I will be happy.

Monday, September 15, 2008

"water always finds its own level"

where was our sexy blackout this summer? man! toronto has nothing on new york. that city is unbearable in the heat and here i am, sitting with a sweater on, wishing i was there at blair's back to school party. sad. i know.

now let's talk couples. dan and serena. break my poor little heart. that was a fantastic break-up. they both still love each other but they know their problems are insurmountable because they really talked them out. like two sentences each. "i am who i am." "ditto." "i can't change." "ditto." dunzo! but somehow that implausibly short break-up conversation (don't those usually last hours?) was really touching in a sexy-teen-drama way. serena telling the elevator door instead of dan that she loves him? :(

the whole Nate and Vanessa Are Meant to Be kinda came out of left field, since she ditched him so quickly for the mere possibility of Dan at the end of last season. but me thinks she has had a very lonely summer. and if Nate Archibald is showing interest, it must be pretty hard to remember that you are in love with Dan. (and if D and N are both unavailable, flirt with Rufus.) HOWEVER I really like Vanessa as the Poor Soldier for Truth and Goodness, trying to bring the best out in the Upper East Siders. And maybe Nate totally does have a crush on her. Catherine has entirely, completely, and irrevocably crossed over into crazytown. Nate may make her feel ALIVE but cmon.

and what about my fabbity fav super time keep-the-tension-alive-forever-please Chuck and Blair. i don't know if Ed Westwick is actually good looking or not, but i am in love with him. and chuck is a total assface! man he is so cruel to his callgirl types! but he is so totally in love with B. even if he does want to use her as sexual Drain-o. (way to coin an awful-awesome term, S.)

what i did not understand: Ed Westwick is British, playing an American. But when his Yankee Chuck tried to impersonate British Marcus it was impossibly hilariously bad accenté! blow out your candle. brilliant.

my other favorite couple of the episode: Little Jenny Humphrey and Eleanor Waldorf. I love how Blair's character is a mini version of her mom. When Eleanor mocked J? classic. But of course, J was right about the neckline looking like a pilgrim at a funeral.

Sigh. Le grand love pour la Gossip Girl. Next week it's back to school. I am hoping that B gets rid of her silly summer highlights by then, and her silly British bf.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

it's a sport

i zigned up for zip.ca about a week and a half ago and already i am singing its praises! the basic premise: they send you a dvd, you watch it, mail it back, they send you another one. my plan is $11/month for unlimited dvds so i wanted to hit two in a month and that way i would beat Rogers on Demand (my former video store). and already: dunzo! and everything i have searched for to add to my Zip List has been part of their catalogue. suck on that, ROD! (but please keep showing me free episodes of Mad Men. not that i like that show...) which is all to tell you: not only do i watch tv, i also watch movies!

like Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown (Almodovar). i quite liked it. i like the look of it. the characters. the zanyness and the colour. even though i am sure i am not quite getting it. it's also nice to listen to people speaking spanish. so quickly! Pepa (in red) is our main lady. Antonio Banderas is so young in this movie, and skinny and endearingly awkward.

And oddly, as I did a google image search for those two illustrations, a still from the movie I watched last night popped up! what! It is Water Lilies, a French film and a gift from Clairey. It is a movie about teenage girls AND about synchronized swimming AND about sexy stuff! I am being silly. It is all those things but it is one of those movies where you just quietly become inextricably involved in the characters' lives. Twas really quite beauteous. thank you Claire. And of course, i love watching synchro. (Can you believe i missed all the olympic synchro this time round?) It reminded me of having weird pool hair after swimming with your cap on, and the feel of the pool tiles on your dry feet, and putting gelatin in your hair for performances and how long that took to wash out. Of hanging upsidedown underwater and kicking your legs, counting always, in time with eight other girls, upsidedown and kicking. The occasional underwater kick in the ribs or punch in the face while trying to do a lift.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

my 90210pinions: "lucky strike"

what i forgot to mention from last week's episode of Nine-Oh, this epically choice dialogue:

Naomi: Are you breaking up with me?
Ethan: I'm breaking up with us.

**Attention any and all future boyfriends. I am going to use that line when we break up. (Or if I'm feeling old school, I'll use Kelly Taylor's "I choose me.")

So I didn't watch this week's 90210 until just this very second. And man! Not very good! My two most fabbity fav things about last week were (1) the Return of Brenda Walsh, and (2) the Return of Lucille Bluth. Why are they playing hard to get with those two glorious characters? They were both absent this ep. Boooo! (Also, there so needs to be a scene between Bren and Granny Wilson.)

You know who did not disappoint this week? AnnaLynne McCord.

She is SO bad that I have now committed her name to memory. When Naomi discovers that her father is having an affair (way less dramatically, may I add, than when Donna caught Felice having an affair in the same hotel where the girls were stalking Color Me Badd), her reaction in the car was evocative of Elizabeth Berkley in Showgirls (and her hair too!). I hope more and more traumatizing things happen to Naomi because holy man alive does this girl emote. And by girl, I mean grown woman playing a barely-16 year old.

In the world of the bubbly-enough-to-give-you-a-bellyache Annie, I just don't know who to ship with her. (eh! that's a webternet term, "ship"! i'm using it in a sentence.) Deffo not Ty, who will be off this show as soon as the musical's curtain falls, I predict. Though Ty did make that great pun texting Annie about how he had to "bowl" out of the bowling alley to hit the show at the pier.

It's just so hard to know who our Annie is meant to be with.

Option A: Annie + Ethan. Annithan
They have a history but Ethan thinks he could be the next Spencer from the Hills. (Note to writers: your pop culture refs are so plodding. Take notes while watching Gossip Girl. Please.) Ethan obvs still has *some* feelings for Naomi (and how can you not when she has so MUCH feeling?) and Annie has a wandering eye. But I think this could be a nice one to watch. Nothing ever, ever, ever as good as the Original Brenda/Dylan. As a sidebar, Annie needs to learn how to flirt. (Flirting montage here.)

Option B: Annie + Dixon. Annixon
So maybe they are brother and sister but look at this chemistry! See how comfortable they are with each other? Hands on her shoulders! They confide in each other, plot against their lame parents together, PLUS they are not ACTUALLY related. Silver can be Dixon's cover; Ethan can cover Annie whilst Annie and Dixon have forbidden love. K, now I am creeping myself out...

There was one moment in this episode that was actually kind of old school 90210 over-the-top emotional goodness. In the Silver Opens Up to Dixon scene, when Dixon talks about how he too has seen what booze and drugs can do to parental types, i was kinda like...Moment of 90210 Potential. That Tristan Wilds kid may be awkward but he can act, and Silver is in less extraordinary weird clothes this week plus Jessica Stroup underplays her moment, clearly not yet a graduate of the AnnaLynne McCord School of Spazzing Out. Added bonus: the background music was f'n gold.

In this episode, we also learned about different ways of How to Be a Mother. New Cindy Walsh, a.k.a. Lori Loughlin, goes with the Incredibly Annoying strategy. Impose your desire for a family night on a evening when everyone — including you and your husband — has plans they don't want to break. And when she and New Jim Walsh have a heart to heart about why their kids don't want to hang out with them (reason: you are overbearing, lady), Lori stares off camera like she's looking directly at someone. But there is no one there. It's creepy. Maybe there is a ghost in the mansion and that will be a plot point later? It was totally weird. Seriously, watch that scene again. Or, uh, for the first time if you, like most of the world, didn't bother watching the second week of New Nine Oh.

Mother-to-Naomi Mrs. Clark's strategy is to accept her husband's philandering ways in exchange for a cushy lifestyle and new cars. We call this the Role Model Failure strategy. Poor Naomi. No wonder she is INSANE. Also let's all relive the awesome Naomi Climbs into Bed w/ her Mommy interlude (awkwardly plunked between the two halves of the Silver Opens Up to Dixon scene).

Finalement and most excitingment for me, an Original 90210er: the Return of Jackie Taylor and the I'm Drunk All the Time, Get Out of My House and Go Back to the Women's Shelter strategy. I think the 90210 crew put a microphone in Jackie's on-the-rocks cocktail. Man, those ice cubes were loud! I hope that we have not seen the last of Ms. Jackie Taylor. Also her house looks like a hotel. Yucksauce. Where is that hideous Warhol-imitation painting of Kelly??

And speaking of Parent Fail, we got new clues to the Mystery of the Season: Who is Kelly's Baby Daddy? What we know so far:
  • Kelly knew Sammy's dad in high school
  • Kelly and the Dad had a serious thing back in the good old days
  • They hadn't seen each other in quite some time, then they hooked up, she got preggers, they tried to make it work but have a lot o' history
  • Daddy wants to get back in his son's life after being a Parent Fail for most of Sammy's life
  • Jackie Taylor is doubtful that "HE" will ever be a good parent to Sammy (that's the pot calling the kettle black)
OK. OK. So our options:
  1. Brandon Walsh (who is in Borneo? where is he?). He seems like a good choice but I just can't buy the Brandon I KNOW not being a part of his son's life. Implausible! That is not the son Jim Walsh raised.
  2. Dylan McKay. Swoon. I hope so. Oh man I hope so.
  3. Steve Sanders. YAWN.
  4. Jake Hot-Guy-Opening-the-Fridge from Melrose Place. So maybe Kelly and Jake didn't have a *serious* relationship when she was in high school, but he totally built that thing in the backyard that Jackie and Mel got married under so....
We'll just have to keep watching. Or I will. And I'll relive the mediumly entertaining bits for you. I am that nice. And I have that much time on my hands.

Overall episode rating: C-. You're slipping New Nine-Oh. Step it up!

Anyway, looks like next week we'll have a return of the super and the relatively awesome: Brenda, Lucille Bluth Wilson, musical theatre, the (Peach) Pit, Joe E. Tata, and more Dr. Pepper product placements.

Pray that something terrible happens to Naomi!

Monday, September 08, 2008

No One on the Corner Have Swagger Like Us

Too much tv, people! Last night I had the pleasure of watching the VMAs (i've upgraded my cable package and can now watch hannah montana on family channel whenevs), and the supreme pleasure of seeing Britney win three awards and look lovely and be funny and nervous. And some people wonder what I like about her. She is entertaining and endearing. That is what I like. Those are the only things I need in a pop star. I have been to more Britney concerts than I care to admit to (oh that's a lie, i've been to 7) and they have always been absolutement entertaining. It's not high art, or the best music that ever was, but no one is claiming it is. It's just good fun and lotsa opportunities for dance routines.

i do find it funny that of all brit's videos over the years, the third lamest (top honours go to Sometimes and Gimme More) won her all these moonmen. I shall view them more as a career-thus-far type award.

but the other amazing thing that happened on the telly last night: episode 2 of season 2 of Gossip Girl ("never been marcused"). if this ep had aired right after "Summer, Kind of Wonderful" last week, I would have been so over-the-moon giddy. It felt like these two parts went together and set us up for the rest of the season. The tension between Serena and Dan; the schmozle with Blair, Nate, Chuck, Duchess Katherine, Lady Archibald; Vanessa sitting alone, wearing a hideous yellow top, waiting for cast members to interact with...Eek. Things not going so well for our resident poor arty girl so far this season. And if those rumors about her hooking up with D's dad are true, I will not be at all impressed. I will be depressed. Rufus should not rebound from Lily with his son's ex-gf.

The one thing I have to give demerit points to GG for: they love dissing Britney (to bring things full circle in this blogular world). In season one, there are multiple digs and last night they went for the whole family with Blair's "she made Waldorf rhyme with Spears" line. Hilarious but as a stalwart fan, i had to bring it up...

Sunday, September 07, 2008

you wanna piece of me

VMAs are very very soon. My girl Britney is going to "open the show." Who knows what that means but I think (sadly) it doesn't mean she'll be performing. That video down there was apparently from weeks ago and it's what Brit does every day! How flipping fun would that be? The rest of her life would drive me up the crazy banana tree but dancing every day in a beautiful studio with 12 amazing dancers? dreamsville for me.

on in the bg right now is the new cycle of ANTM. the girls have 5 minutes to get their makeup on and get into their metallic cat suits. Yup. That shit never gets old.

also Gossip Girl is on in one hour and 13 minutes. you know what that means: I AM HAVING a TV OVERLOAD (dot com).

i finished season one of Californication this weekend. And I am in love with Hank Moody/David Duchovny. Sex addiction and all. The casting of that show is incredibly spot on: Natascha McElhone as the estranged wife Karen, Pamela Adlon as Marcy (i loved her on Lucky Louie), and even tho he totes creeps me out, Damian Young as Hank's agent Bill (this guy was Dave on Lost and one of the girl's husband's on Sex and the City).

(ANTM timeout: they are doing this whole OTT robot/space theme and it is soooo crazy.)

The daughter on Californication is pretty much the coolest kid on TV. She is totally deadpan and funny as hell. And the father/daughter relationship, Becca and Hank together, is so sweet and charming. The one thing about the show: lots of boobs. More boobs than you have ever seen. (Hank is... promiscuous.) the new season starts really soon and from where this one left off? i'm wondering if they'll be able to fulfill their boob quota.


Saturday, September 06, 2008

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

my 90210pinions

so so so new nine oh last night. two whole hours. i had vair low expectations for this. all i wanted was (1) brenda and kelly in the same room, and (2) someone to say "we're not in kansas anymore" in the first five minutes (since the transplanted family comes from Kansas City, not Minnesota this time).

check for (1). and while they waited til the last five minutes, check for (2). also: i did not know the actual episode title was "We're Not in Kansas Anymore" until today. I AM JUST SO GOOD WITH OBVIOUS PUNS.

there were WAY too many characters and WAY too much time spent with New Brenda a.k.a. Annie Wilson (Shenae Grimes, who was on the Degrassi reboot). Annie was nauseatingly enthusiastic about everything and had far too much energy for something the size of an iPhone. It was too much for much when she joined the chorus of Spring Awakening (thanks "Silver"!) and went ballistimus singing and scrunching her face around. but her overacting was nothing compared to Naomi (AnnaLynne McCord) — the uber popular girl who has a nasty streak, more Rachel McAdams in Mean Girls than any of the original Nine-Ohers.

This girl is supposed to be 15 having her super sweet 16 b-day party (at a club serving alcohol). The actor is 21 and looks it. But whatevs. I accepted Andrea Zuckerman as a high school student. I will accept this girl. A lot happened to Naomi in this one ep and AnnaLynne did not let the opportunity for an OTT facial expression to escape. Her face whilst dancing with Ethan (a.k.a. New Dylan) having just discovered he cheated on her: GOLD. Her face when she sees the totally boring, lame, not-interesting but absolutely devastating "Silver" "blog" about her: PLATINUM.

The most awesomemest part of all: taking Lucille Bluth from Arrested Development and plunking her down in 90210. Why the frak not? She's grandma to the New Walshs (the Wilsons), she's absurdly rich, she's drunk all the time, she's devious and she's the funniest. that is "iced tea" in her hand. i hope they let her be completely mental for the rest of the series.

So the New Brenda and New Dylan plotline kicked off: Annie and Ethan totally made out three summers ago; is he still the guy she liked back then?; what happened to the Pentapus?; does she really like new flashy PrivateJetMusicalTheatre Dude?; is he really over Naomi and his cheating ways? Time will tell, people. I'm more concerned with the budding romance between brother Dixon and sister Annie. In this one ep alone, they flirted poolside, confided to each other whilst lying on her bed staring into each other's eyes, and um other stuff I can't remember but it was decidedly flirty. I think they are secretly holding on to the "he's adopted so even tho we've been living as bro and sis for 8 years, it's not weird if we hook up" argument. not a valid argument, kids. I miss Real Brenda and Real Brandon and their decidedly bro/sis dynamic.

SPEAKING of. Other best part: Kelly + Brenda + "The Pit" a.k.a. New Peach Pit + Nat (who I mistakenly called "Nate" twice; thanks Gossip Girl) + references to Brandon in Belize = GLORIOUS. Shannen's teeth were a bit...creeepy but otherwise gold stars all round. Kelly has a son named Sammy and she talks on the phone to the dad briefly. but then Sammy is like "mummy i can't sleep" and kelly's like "a tickle attack will surely calm you down and make you sleepy." parenting fail.

but the real question is: Why did she name her son Sammy? no. silly. the actual real question is: Who is the baby daddy? Brandon?? Dylan?? Jake from Melrose Place??? Way to suck in the old-timey viewers, writers. I bet they have no idea who the dad is and are just waiting to see what actor they can get back on the show. so...Steve Sanders, it is.

There was tons of other stuff going on too: Kelly's blossoming romance with the English teacher, a secret lovechild for New Jim Walsh, Dixon trying to shake off the rep as "principal's son" (yawn), a visit to a porn set to borrow some pigs for an interschool prank (no, it's not a Beverly v. West Beverly thing, sadly), a revenge fool-around, a druggie actress girl who steals and lies and is mere episodes away from a major breakdown, plagiarism, a blowjob in the parking lot, and the daughter of Kelly's mom and David's dad, little Erin Silver all grown up and striving to be this show's Gossip Girl. All in one episode. That's like a season's worth of plotlines.

Previews for the next ep feature the always embarassing Jackie Taylor returning, as unfit a mother as ever. Did she learn nothing from the Mother-Daughter Fashion Show?

Overall: C+. Loads of room for improvement but enough awesomeness and good-badness that i will keep watching. At least til Shannen's 4 episodes are up.

P.S. I FORGOT THE BEST PART. So New Brenda sees Mean Girl Naomi's tattoo (lower back, Chinese symbol, naturally) while in line at the cafeteria. THEN! she sees Silver's 100% identical tattoo a day or so later. (They have already, in approx. two days, become best friends then enemies then friends again.) What! Matching tattoos! Only besties do that. Silver confides in New Brenda that back in the 8th grade when Silver and Naomi were BFFs, she told her how her mom was totally an alcoholic and made her swear not to tell anyone. But Naomi is a LIFE RUINER (to quote Mean Girls) and totally tells everyone. And the two girls have been enemies ever since.

Right. So. When did they get the tattoos? When they were 12. Genius.

oh le CW, je t'aime

i shall bloggify my GG and 90210 thoughts later but: i heart shows about teenagers.